TIME MACHINE THEATER FOOTNOTES CREDITS Welcome to the Time Machine Theater! Here Are Some Longer Quotes For That "Virtual Reality" Effect ================================================================== If you read these while imagining the voices, the music, the faces, the scratchy radio noise, the black-and-white TV picture, you will be able to re-create the radio program, TV program or movie in your mind - just as if they were here again today!! It's easy and fun! ================================================================== Abbott and Costello "Who's On First" is mostly very fast-paced as Lou Costello tries one approach after another to root out the name of the first baseman named "Who". [A portion of the famous "Who's On First" routine] Who's on first. What's on second. I-Don't-Know's on third... --Well then, who's on first? --Yes. --I mean the fella's name. --Who. --The guy on first. --Who. --The first baseman. --Who. --The guy playing first! --Who is ON first! --What are you asking ME for?? --I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. That's the man's name! --That's WHOSE name?? --Yes. --Well go ahead and tell me. --Who. --The guy on first. --Who. --The first baseman. --Who is ON first! --Have you got a contract with the first baseman? --Yes... --Who signed the contract? --Well, naturally... Dragnet - Jack Webb as Joe Friday Joe Friday (Jack Webb) is dry and matter-of-fact. Humorous version... [*** Invented Dialogue *** *** Invented Dialogue ***] This is the city - Los Angeles, California. I carry my lunch. [The case of the candy-wrapper caper:] It was 1:17pm. The temperature in Los Angeles was 74 degrees. There were 123 cars in the parking lot. One of the fluorescent bulbs in the hallway was flickering. I was working the day watch out of the Robbery Division. The Boss is Captain Wednesday. My partner is Bill Thursday. My name is Friday. --Looks like we got another one, Joe. --Yeah? --That was the bus company on the phone. Seems another guy tried to pass off a Nut Goodie candy wrapper as a bus transfer... --Any leads in the case? --Sounds like they've got a pretty good eyewitness... --Yeah? --The perpetrator... They cuffed him. --Dum Da Dumm Dumm. Dum Da Dumm Dumm - Dummmmmmmmmm....... --It was a mistake, I tell you... I had a bus transfer and a candy wrapper in the same pocket, and I accidentally handed the bus driver the wrapper... --There are thousands of honest citizens who ride the bus in this city every day, and THEY don't seem to have a problem telling the difference between a bus transfer and a candy wrapper. You disgust me, Mr. Smith. Now, why don't you just tell us the truth. It might go easier for you in court. --I AM telling the truth. It was just a simple mistake, that's all... --Well, there's just one problem with that theory, Mr. Smith... --Yeah? What's that? --You got caught. --Dum Da Dumm Dumm. Dum Da Dumm Dumm - Dummmmmmmmmm....... --On February 14th, a trial was held in Superior Court, in and for the County of Los Angeles. In a moment, the results of that trial. Robert "Bob" Smith was found guilty on 1 count of attempting to defraud a bus driver with a candy wrapper. He was given a lecture and released into the custody of his study hall monitor where he is now serving his sentence. (Clink) (Clink) Mark VII Productions. The Honeymooners (Jackie Gleason, Audrey Meadows, Art Carney, Joyce Randolph as Ralph, Alice, Ed, and Trixie) Ed Norton (Art Carney) is friendly and ever cheerful. Ralph Kramden (Jackie Gleason) is pompous and overly-confident, always trying different hare-brained schemes to get ahead. Alice Kramden (Audrey Meadows) is understanding and rather saintly and practical. [*** Enhanced Dialogue *** *** Enhanced Dialogue ***] And I just want to say, I plan to go ALL the way on this quiz show - and I mean ALL the way to the last question! --That's wonderful, Mr. Kramden... --No stopping at plateaus... No Cadillac consolation prizes... None of that! I'm goin' all the way to the top! --That's terrific, Mr. Kramden... --I've made up my mind: I'm gonna go for it, and I'm not stopping 'til I hit the $64,000 jackpot!! --What a sport! Isn't that terrific ladies and gentlemen? --[Big Applause....] --And now, Mr. Kramden, here's your first question: Who was the composer of Swanee River? --Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, er..... --Ray, play a few bars of Swanee River for Mr. Kramden... --[Dummmm-dum-da-dum-da-dumm-dumm...] --We need to have your answer Mr. Kramden... --Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, er, uh, uh, uh, Ed Norton??? --No, I'm sorry Mr. Kramden, that song was written by the famous American composer Stephen Foster... But thanks for playing... [Ralph Kramden was toppled from his imaginary lofty perch by his own lack of appreciation for his practice accompanist, Ed Norton. Ed had an obsessive-compulsive tendency where everything had to be "just right" before he would begin - from "playing the piano" to "playing a game of pool". He could play any song on the piano, but only if he "warmed up" with 1 bar of Swanee River preceding each and every song. This regular intro of Swanee River drove Ralph nuts, and he evidently formed a mental block against remembering the name of that song and its composer. Stammering in front of a national television audience, he finally meekly bleated out his guess at the composer's name: "Uh, Ed Norton"???" Rather than "going all the way to the top" on the quiz show, he missed the very first question, and probably got no more than bus fare home as his consolation prize...] Ozzie and Harriett - The Nelson Family The Nelson's are just plain ordinary. [*** Invented Dialogue ***] Hi dear, I'm home. Same time as yesterday... Hi David. What's new? --Not a thing, Dad. Ricky, have you seen David? --Sure haven't, Mom. David, where's your mother? --She's in the kitchen. --Thanks. Well, Goodnight folks! The Wizard of Oz (1939) The Wicked Witch (Margaret Hamilton) is evil, conniving, calculating, driven, and could be sarcastic. Dorothy (Judy Garland) is pure, hopeful and joyful. Toto is pretty smart for a dog! The Witch's army of people (as opposed to the flying monkeys) sound ominous, rigid, blindly obedient. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Take your army to the Haunted Forest and bring me that girl and her dog. Do what you want with the others, but I want her alive... Now fly! Fly!! I should have remembered: Those ruby slippers will never come off as long as you're alive... But that's not what worries me... It's HOW to do it. These things must be done Del-i-cate-ly.... Run, Toto, run! He got away!! He got away!!!.... Yo-Eee-Ohhh, Yo-Ohhhh-Um... [the army marches into the castle] Song of the South (1946, Disney Studios) Zip-ah-dee-doo-dah is sung with freshness and delight. Zip-ah-dee-doo-dah, zip-ah-dee-ay, My oh my, what a wonderful day! Plenty of sunshine heading my way, Zip-ah-dee-doo-dah, zip-ah-dee-ay... --Song by Ray Gilbert and Allie Wrubel Alice in Wonderland (1951, Disney Studios) The "Alice" characters are extreme personalities - but very interesting ones. The time has come, the Walrus said, To talk of other things. Of shoes and ships and sealing wax, Of cabbages and kings, And why the sea is boiling hot And whether pigs have wings. Kahh-low, Kahh-lay, No work today, We're cabbages and Kings! [the Walrus] Time to shift... More tea? More tea? [the Mad Hatter] A very merry Un-Birthday to you! [the Mad Hatter] A---A-E-I-O-U, U---U-O-I-E-A... [the Caterpillar] That is Ex-Ack-Ah-Tah-Ly correct. [the Caterpillar] Do you play croquet? [the Red Queen] ...Thus causing the Queen to lose her temper. [the Rabbit] Off with her head!!!!!!! [the Red Queen] Rule 42: All persons more than a mile high must leave the Court immediately! [the King] On the Waterfront (1954, Marlon Brando, many others) This was a movie to expose the corruption of organized crime on the waterfront. Terry Malloy's brother (Rod Steiger) fixes a fight for the mob and dead-ends Terry's future in boxing. Terry's now a has-been in boxing and an errand boy for the mob. His only source of self-esteem is raising pigeons. He knows he's too dull and slow to be a big shot, but he also knows he could have made something more of himself in the boxing ring. Terry Malloy (Marlon Brando) is intense, warm and sincere, then determined, defiant, gutsy and proud towards the end of the movie. That skunk of a manager we got for you brought you along too fast... --It wasn't my manager who did it, it was you, Charlie... Remember that night at the Garden when you came down to my dressing room and said, "Kid, this ain't your night. We're going for the price on Wilson." You remember that? "This ain't your night." Not my night?!? I could have taken Wilson apart!! So what happens? He gets a title shot outdoors in a ballpark. And what do I get? A one-way ticket to Palookaville... You was my brother, Charlie... You should've looked out for me a little bit... You should've taken care of me just a little bit so I wouldn't hafta take them dives for the short-end money . --I had some bets down for you... You saw some money... --You don't understand! I could have had class. I could have been a contender. I could have been SOMEbody - instead of a bum, which is what I am. Let's face it... [The priest (Karl Malden) versus Terry Malloy] Give me your gun, Terry. --Go to hell. [Terry Malloy versus Johnny Friendly (Lee J. Cobb)] John Friendly! Come out here! I wanna talk to you.... --You ratted on us, Terry!! --Oh yeah? I was ratting on MYSELF all them years, and I didn't even know it! You take them heaters away from you and you're nuthin - you know that? You take the good goods away and the shakedown cabbage and them pistoleros and you're nuthin. Your guts is all in your wallet and your trigger finger - you know that? You give it to Joey. You give it to Dugan. You give it Charlie, who was one of your own. You think you're God almighty! But you know what you are? You're a cheap, lousy, dirty, stinkin' mug. I'm glad what I done to you! You hear that? I'm glad!! And I'm gonna keep doing it til I get satisfaction! ------- FOOTNOTES ------- Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and The Big Bopper What happened? Why did their plane crash? Why were they on a chartered plane, when the rest of the group was on their chartered bus? Plane's departure point: Mason City, Iowa. Time of departure: Approx 1:00am. Plane's destination: Fargo, North Dakota. Estimated flying time: 2 hours. Group's destination: Moorehead, Minnesota. Type of plane: Beech Bonanza. Distance flown: 5 miles. Reasons for not going by bus: 1. The bus had been having serious heater problems (no heat). 2. They wanted to arrive early to do their laundry. General conditions: Night, snowing, wind gusts, no ground lights past airport (lights from towns, highways, etc, for pilot orientation). Local weather: Worsening rapidly with snow, a low ceiling, and probable icing conditions. Barometer falling. Ceiling: 3,000 feet. Visibility: 6 miles. Light snow. Wind: South at 20 knots, gusts to 30 knots. Enroute weather: Snow. Freezing drizzle. Visibility: 2 miles. Gusts to 45 knots. Very dangerous weather!! Instrument rating required for pilot. De-icing equipment required for airplane. Weather briefing: The control tower failed to notify the pilot (who requested a weather update twice), of 2 flash bulletins from the weather service warning of hazardous flying conditions. Last pilot weather briefing was at 12:55am before takeoff. Local weather was approaching minimums for visual flight, but was still legal. Charter company: Not certified to provide charter flights in instrument conditions. Pilot stats: Name - Roger Peterson. Age 21. 700+ hours flying time. 128 hours in Bonanza aircraft (type of plane flown). Passed WRITTEN test for instrument rating, but FAILED the flight check for instrument rating. Not instrument rated or qualified. Married. Pilot: Not planning an instrument flight. Weather was fine at 5:30pm, then worsened rapidly that night. Pilot: Unfamiliar with plane's attitude indicator, which depicted the plane/ground relationship the opposite of the one he had used during his training. Ie, up is down, down is up. Directional gyro-compass: Caged (locked in place). Evidently, the gyro wasn't being used, but if the pilot thought it was working, would have mislead him. It should have been used. Pilot error. Rate of descent: 3,000 feet per minute. Angle of striking ground: 90 degrees. Probable cause of crash: Pilot error on 3 counts for flying into worsening weather, being unfamiliar with the Sperry attitude indicator, and not using the directional gyro-compass, plus ground controller error on 2 counts for not informing the pilot of 2 hazardous-weather bulletins. What the pilot should have done: 1. Flown only in the daytime under good conditions. 2. Received training on the Sperry attitude indicator. 3. Utilized the directional gyro-compass. The takeoff was the only semi-legal part of the flight. Flying into "instrument" conditions is illegal, unless you're rated for it. The pilot was not instrument rated, and had failed his instrument flight check. What the controllers should have done: Informed the pilot (twice) of 2 hazardous-weather bulletins when weather updates were requested. The Mercury Theatre On The Air By the way, Orson Welles finally admitted after about 40 years that his 1938 Mercury Theatre Halloween-time (Oct 30th) program "The Invasion From Mars" based on H.G. Wells' "War Of The Worlds" was INTENDED to be taken seriously, so that he could prove to people that you shouldn't believe everything you read in the newspaper or hear on the radio. This was NOT a very smart idea. One reason he claimed that the mass panic was all a terribly unfortunate mistake is because the New York City police were standing there in the studio trying to arrest him! He narrowly escaped a stint in the Hoosgau for his serious prank or "practical civics lesson", and stuck to his story for decades - probably until the statute of limitations ran out on "Anarchy" and "Inciting Civil Unrest". At least he finally 'fessed up. His claims of innocence were always dubious, anyway... To Hell and Back (1955, Audie Murphy) From Audie Murphy's autobiography. Apparently, the film doesn't begin to do justice to Murphy's genuine heroics, according to those who served with him, such as single handedly holding back a German armored company for over an HOUR (an eternity) - not 5 or 10 minutes as in the film - then nearly being blown up by an exploding tank... Not much of an actor, but an incredible soldier who did it over and over so his friends wouldn't be killed. I thought the movie was just "Hollywood exaggeration" in the 1950s, but it turns out that it barely scratched the surface of Murphy's real-life war experiences. We owe him a lot... The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957, Guinness, Holden, Hayakawa) (Colonel Saito, the Geneva Convention specifically prohibits...) (Be happy in your work!) The author of the novel was French. The screenwriters were 2 ghostwriters blacklisted by McCarthy's Communist witchhunt. The film was British. The 7 Oscars were American. According to the POW's who survived (British, Australians, Dutch, Canadians and Americans), the movie is 101% fiction, but at least it put the location and the experience on the map. Evidently Britain's "Hollywood" got even with the Japanese Army by presenting a fictional account of incompetent Japanese bridge designers and weak leadership, attempting to build a single wooden bridge over a single river, requiring British collaboration to get the job done, and making the whole thing believable and quite memorable. The reality was that the Japanese engineers were excellent, and their leadership was fully up to the task - a task which was hundreds of times bigger than that depicted in the movie. The POW's actually built a railway 250 miles long including its 600 steel and concrete bridges and viaducts through jungles and stone hills across Thailand and Burma over a 17 month period, well- designed by the Japanese Army Corps of Engineers. The prisoner's shoes and most of their clothing eventually rotted away, forcing them to do heavy construction while barefoot and wearing only shorts. No songs, no whistling, no brisk marching, no defiance, lots of Malaria, Cholera, Beri Beri - I'll skip the rest of the details. 30 of the worst of the Japanese guards and camp officers were later dealt with by General MacArthur's military court after the war (they were sent to a Big Camp in the sky), but hundreds of others were not prosecuted, and were returned to civilian life. The Allied vets who were there have asked the media that the true story be told, so I'm doing my small part here. (Thank you, Vets!) See the History Channel for a 2-hour, authentic, extremely harsh "dose of reality" on this incredible project. Although bombed by the Allies during the war, 25% or about 60 miles of the railway is still in use today near Bangkok, Thailand. Maybe David Lean had the right idea for the 1950s: DON'T GET MAD - GET EVEN. And use a movie to do it. It gave the vets their pride back, and humiliated the former enemy in a dramatic way, as only a public statement can. The lack of repentance by most of the former guards and engineers is frankly astounding. But, for what it's worth, when I was in Japan, out of funds, and needed a place to stay for a couple of nights, I was put up by a former WW2 Japanese Army soldier and his family (the Nagato family) in Edogawa-ku, Tokyo (a poor section of Tokyo), given a color snapshot of Mt. Fuji, and served bacon and eggs for breakfast (it must have cost them a small fortune - especially on their small income). I was very grateful for their generous hospitality... Interesting Post-War Stories (about other people) 1950s and 1940s history expanded a bit... 1. Korean War - 1953. "It Must Be The Fog". In 1953, just as the Korean War was only days from officially ending, and the shooting was over, a North Korean pilot defected and flew his Mig-15 to the US Air Force Base at Kimpo, South Korea - just across the border. The flight line guy wasn't paying very close attention, thought it was an American F-86, and guided the plane to a nice parking spot. What service!! (The American pilots had seen it land, and were all running towards it, but they were some distance away from the parking spot). The North Korean pilot didn't even realize their was a reward of $100,000 to anyone who would deliver a Mig-15 to the Americans. The Air Force immediately took the plane to Okinawa for tests. Chuck Yeager was one of the test pilots who flew it. He and others reported that the Mig-15's heating system was poor. The windshield would fog up sometimes, it was too cold in the cockpit at high altitude, all in all, it was clear that Soviet designers had apparently paid little attention to pilot comfort, unlike our "good" planes. It turned out later that the heater on that particular plane was broken. In later years, all the Soviet pilots who had flown the Mig-15 said it was one of the most comfortable planes they'd ever flown! Yeager had also put the plane into a steep power dive and reported that he had a very difficult time recovering from the dive - that the airplane was dangerous to fly in that way. A Mig designer met Yeager years later and told him that that was a known problem with the Mig-15, and was corrected in later designs. Additionally, it was theoretically impossible to pull out of the dive, and he was astounded that Chuck Yeager had been able to do so! We offered to return the plane - but return it to the Soviets. The Soviet Government refused to take it back on the grounds that they hadn't been involved in the Korean War... Talk about "the fog of war"! 2. WWII - VJ Day - 1945. "The Very Last Detail". I attended the Oshkosh aviation event once in the mid-1980s. It was rather chilly for July, so people dressed warm and stayed indoors when not touring the expo. One evening, I was sitting at the bar next to a quiet old guy wearing farmer's overalls. I asked him if he was there for the aviation expo, and he said, yes; his son was an airline pilot, and had flown the two of them out there. I asked him if he had been in WW2, and he said yes. What branch? Navy. As a pilot? Yes. What did he fly? Corsairs (fighters). Did he have any war stories? No... No war stories?? No, no, he didn't have any of those things... None at ALL??? Not really... I finally said that he must have at least been involved in SOMETHING memorable... SOMETHING unusual or memorable must have happened to him during the war... He thought for a while and finally said that this wasn't exactly a war story, but he flew cover for the Battleship Missouri (anchored in Tokyo Bay) while the Japanese surrender ceremonies were taking place. He said there was no combat involved, and it wasn't much of a story, but it was somewhat memorable... I said I didn't understand. Cover for what? The shooting had been over for several weeks. What was there to cover? He said it was true that the shooting had been over for some time, but the Navy was scared to death over the threat of Kamikazes, and put 30 or 40 fighters in the air to circle the Missouri in case Kamikazes decided to attack the ship to prevent the official ceremony from taking place. (Some members of the Japanese military were fanatic diehards and had tried to prevent the Emporer from surrendering over the radio a few weeks earlier by storming the Imperial Palace itself; Some others took off in suicide missions against American ships AFTER the Emporer's "cessation of hostilities" announcement was broadcast). We sure didn't read about THAT in our history books! We just saw some of the ceremony take place - the hundreds of sailors in their dress whites pressed against the upper railings, the Navy and Army officers in their normal uniforms, the Japanese diplomats in their formal waistcoats and tophats - followed by General MacArthur closing the over-sized surrender book, and saying, "These proceedings are closed." No one ever mentioned the 30 or 40 planes flying around in circles defending the perimeter, helping to ensure that VJ Day would finally occur. I felt lucky to meet that gray-haired old guy... If you happen to see a program about WWII with MacArthur stating, "These proceedings are closed.", remember that old guy at the bar in Oshkosh, b'gosh, who 40 years earlier flew what was genuinely the **VERY LAST** mission of World War II, and helped us to be ABLE to enjoy that wonderful era of... The 1950s!! ------- CREDITS ------- www.fiftiesweb.com - Candace Rich www.joesherlock.com - Joe Sherlock www.roadsideamerica.com/feedvag.html www.nidlink.com/~dgookin/burma_shave/index.html (Burma Shave) www.lkwdpl.org/lhs/fifties/ (links) www.angelfire.com/ca3/moesboomerhumor/index.html Pam Price - CHS 1961 Various others, not from CHS.